The Twilight Saga

Emmett Cullen must remember that:

1. He is not Harry Potter, even if the 4th graders think he is

2. He is not to refer to Bella as 'that cute, clumsy, little meal on legs'

3. Rosalie's hair does not tell him things

4. Neither does Carlisle's

5. The only proper response to a Alice's question of "Does this make me look fat?" is 'No.'

6. Nudist colonies only exist in France

7. His name is Emmett, not The All Powerful One

8. Or Princess Butterfly

9. Or Sex-ay Thang

10. It is illegal to set Walmart on fire

11. And that "But fire is so pretty" is not a good excuse for setting aforementioned fire

12. He is not, in fact, 'Fergalicious'

13. Nor is he a 'Barbie Girl' (but he is bringing Sexy Back)

14. The CIA does not have his cell phone tapped

15. There is no such phobia as omeworkophobia (fear of excessive homework)

16. And telling his teacher he has omeworkophobia will not get him out of detention for not doing his homework

17. Neither will offering to give him or her a lap dance

18. Edward will kill him if he hums 'Smack That' as Bella walks by

19. Jasper will kill him if he hums 'Smack That' as Alice walks by

20. Carlisle will kill him if he hums 'Smack That' as Esme walks by

21. He may not hum 'Smack That' as Rosalie walks by because they may not have sex in front of the whole family and/or school

22. It is wrong to tell freshman that all the students in their grade who fail are killed and used as cafeteria food the next year

23. Alice and Bella are not having a lesbian affair and it is wrong to tell everyone at school that

24. He doesn't hear people's thoughts (that's Edward)

25. He doesn't see the future (that's Alice)

26. Rosalie does not think hand puppets are seductive

27. The squirrells are not out to get him

28. Neither is Bella's cereal

29. Or the CIA

30. Fences are meant to keep people out, not to be pretty

31. He is not allowed to take over the school intercom and confesses his undying love of Rosalie's hair

31. Nor is he allowed to take over the school intercom with the purpose of singing "Super Freak" by Rick James for the school's entertainment

32. He's just not allowed to take over the school intercom at all

33. Rules are not written as guidelines, they are actually rules, despite what Johnny Depp believes

34. No one wants to hear about what happened on Days of Our Lives yesterday

35. Abandoned refrigerators are not portals to other worlds

36. And he needs to stop telling little children they are

37. Bella does not think it's funny when he stuffs her tampons in his nose and jumps out at her from where he was hiding in her closet

38. Neither does her father

39. Or Edward

40. It is wrong to run through an airport screaming "BOMB! BOMB! HE HAS A BOMB!" while pointing at Carlisle

42. He should not steal Jasper's Confederate uniform

43. Then claim he lost it, and offer to buy him a Union uniform

44. And then return Jasper's uniform months later, after adding beads, sequins and Girl Scout patches to it

45. He is not from "the hood" and he is not a "gangsta"

46. He must stop writing 'For a good time, call Edward Cullen' on the school's boy's bathroom walls

47. Edward has no comment on the status of his virginity

48. Nor does Bella

49. He is forbidden to take naked pictures of Edward and email them to the whole school

50. He embarrasses himself, and his family when he plays "Lord of the Onion Rings"

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Comment by ♥Morgan C.♥ on August 11, 2009 at 3:18pm
Those are histerical!

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