1. Call him Eddy, all the time
2. Give yourself a paper cut and make a point of showing him the blood, then put it in your mouth. Say, “Mmmm, Delicious! Want some?”
3. Say “you don’t look that scary”
4. Use vampire expression like “holy Dracula” and “good bye sweet Transylvania”
5. Visualize yourself naked
6. Ask him to help you do something impossible (save the world, build an atomic clock, help you with your calculus ect). When he has trouble say “never mind, I’m sure Jacob could help me”
7. Drive REALLY slow
8. Volunteer him for a blood drive
9. Hold up a bottle of ketchup and say, “look!! BLOOOOOD OOOOOOOO”
10. Hang posters that say “I support Jacob Black” and “Jacob Black for President” All over his room
11. Throw him to the crazy fan girl hordes.
12. Tie Bella to some railroad tracks. When he gets mad, say, “Wow, a little overprotective, aren’t we? I’m sure Jacob wouldn’t have a problem with this.”
13. Say, “Hey, aren’t you that guy from Harry Potter?”
14. Tell him that Emmet is a cooler vampire than him.
15. Tell him that Jane has the coolest vampire power. Mention that it’s significantly better than mind reading.
16. Continually suggest that he’d be better off eating Bella, rather than dating her.
17. Mention that he isn’t a real vampire.
18. When flying on an airplane, say, “If this plane crashes on an island, we eat Bella first.”
19. Suggest that his life is too stressful. Recommend aromatherapy.
20. When he announces his wedding, say “Why? Is Bella pregnant?”
21. Leave bloody dead animals around him. Insist that you’re helping with the aromatherapy.
22. Invite Jacob’s whole family to the wedding. When he gets mad, say, “I was just trying to help.”
23. Invite the Volturi to the wedding.
24. Make a list of the ways that werewolves are cooler than vampires. Show it to him. Act offended when he gets mad.
25. Tell him that he’s too closed-minded: he needs to welcome people of all cultures into his life.
26. Talk in Ebonics.
27. Tell him to “bear in mind other people’s thoughts.”
28. Kidnap Bella. When he asks where she is, say, “Don’t worry about it.”
29. When he threatens to kill you, say, “Now, now, aren’t we being a little hasty?”
30. When he really is going to kill you, blame Alice. Say she took her to LA to go shopping.
31. Poke him.
32. When he talks about how painful his transformation was, say, “Oh, yeah, your life is soooo hard.”
33. When he talks about how much he loves Bella, say, “Aren’t you a little young to know what love is? Maybe you should wait till you’re a few years older.”
34. Make Bella wear a team Jacob shirt.
35. Suggest that he and Bella take some time off to “see other people.” Recommend Jessica Stanley for him.
36. Run over his Volvo with Bella’s truck.
37. While he’s listening, tell Bella she deserves something better.
38. Invite him to go to the beach with you.
39. Read the back of the Twilight books to him. Bonus points for using a dramatic announcer voice.
40. Blame him for all of Bella’s past injuries.
41. Constantly hint at how good Bella must smell.
42. Visualize his life in 20 years. SUV, suburban house, 12 kids.
43. Laugh when Bella trips. Loudly.
44. Shine a bright light in his face. Say, “Darnit, you didn’t go all sparkly.”
45. Buy a copy of Breaking Dawn on the black market. Tell him he dies at the end.
46. Ask him where he buys his body glitter.
47. Suggest self-tanner.
48. When Bella says how much she loves him, think then why was she making out with Jacob down at La Push yesterday?
49. When he gets mad, innocently say, “I didn’t say anything.”
50. Point out the circles under his eyes. Tell him to get more sleep.
51. Offer to lend him your concealer.
52. Withdraw the offer. Tell him that he’s too pale for this shade.
53. Suggest that a week in the tropics would do him good.
54. Tell him that we’re getting tired of his “scary” act.
55. Redecorate his room in a Care-bear theme.
56. Tell him that it will help him be happy.
57. Buy him a wolf plushie.
58. Turn his piano into a craps table.
59. Suggest that he try harder to make new friends.
60. Tell him that he should hang out with Mike Newton more often.
61. Put pretty bows in his hair while he’s distracted.
62. Tell him that pretending to sleep would make him sympathize with the humans more.
63. Cook delicious-looking meals. When he won’t eat them, get offended. Tell him “I put my sweat and blood into that meal!”
64. Suggest the same stupid plan over and over again. When he gets mad, say, “Well now, who got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning…oh, wait!”
65. Tell him he could up his cool if he went out for football. Or Track.
66. Wear tinfoil on your head. When he asks why, tell him that people are always trying to read your mind.
67. Give yourself a paper-cut in front of Jasper.
68. When he attacks, say, “Bad, dog, down!”
69. Suggest that they keep Jasper in the back yard. “If he can’t be civilized, well…”
70. Push Bella in front of a bus.
71. Pour ketchup on Bella.
72. Ask him to sign your copy of Twilight.
73. Wonder loudly to yourself what The Souls are going to do with the Cullen’s when they invade.
74. Plant daisies in his house.
75. Break all of his CDs.
76. Take Bella shopping. Accidentally leave her at the mall.
77. Crash his wedding.
78. When he plans his wedding, say, “Who’s going to come? You know like four people.”
79. Whenever he comes into the room, start mentally singing the ‘Gilligan’s Island’ theme song.
80. When he tells you to stop, say, “Stop what?”
81. Take all of his CD’s. Replace them with songs from Disney movies.
82. Tell him that he and Bella should go on more ‘real dates.’
83. Ask him if he’s planning on having a vampire attack Bella every spring break. Mention that you know someone who would be willing to help this year.
84. Make a list of reasons why Bella should leave him. Make sure that you have one of them be, “Jacob. Enough said.”
85. Roll in glitter. Run around saying, “Look at me! I’m Edward! I’m Edward!”
86. Write him love poems. Sign them from Jacob.
87. Tell him that it’s perfectly acceptable to be an ‘alternative couple’ with Jacob.
88. Diagram a love triangle: Edward <3 Jacob. Jacob <3 Bella. Bella <3 Edward.
89. When he plans his wedding, say, “You know, the leading cause of divorce is marrying too young.”
90. Suggest that the Cullen’s have more “family meetings.” Make a point not to invite Bella.
91. Tell Bella that her cooking skills will be wasted if she marries him.
92. Ask him if he’ll still love Bella once she’s a vampire and not clumsy anymore.
93. Give him your Divorce attorney’s card. Tell him it’s “Just in case.”
94. Skip around the house chanting, “Edward and Bella, sitting in a tree.”
95. Diagnose him randomly. “Maybe you have sleep apnea.” “You look anemic. Have you been getting enough red meat?” “Maybe it’s a vitamin D deficiency.” Ask Carlisle to back your suggestions up.
96. Invite small children to his house for ‘scary story time’.
97. Paint his room. Pink.
98. Ask if you’re going to be in the wedding party. Repeatedly. And frequently.
99. Wonder what to get him for a wedding present. “A mattress topper? No, that won’t work. A blender? No, wait…oh! A trip to Hawaii. Oh, never mind…”
100. Wave wooden crosses and strings of garlic at him randomly. When he asks what you’re doing, say, “I know I read this somewhere.”
101. Mail him a llama. When he asks why, say, “Why not?”
102. Don’t think.
103. Buy him a dog. Name it Jacob.
104. Knock on his door and the second he opens it, start singing Christmas carols really loud and off key.
….make sure you do this around Easter.
105. Make him go out with you to a fancy restrant for his Birthday when it isn’t his Birthday. Get all offended when he won’t eat anything. Start crying.
106. Send him love letters and sign them “You dearest Victoria”.
107. lock ... him in a room with Mike, Tyler, Eric, and Jacob. Give everyone except him a picture of Bella. Do the math people.
108. Tell him you think Mike x Bella is a WAY better couple than Edward x Bella. Then tell him that the reason you think that is because Mike and Bella just got married. Run really fast…
109. Force him to read Jacob x Edward slash… over and over and over….
110. Constantly think about kissing Bella.