Letters to Jacob (2)

The days passed slowly. Painfully. Without Nick to brighten up my life, I had nothing. Nothing.

It was pretty hard for me at school too. My friends would always come up to me and ask if I was okay, or if they could do anything to help, or things that I really didn't need to be asked right now. In the past week, my teacher had to pull me aside 6 times to ask if I was okay. It drove me crazy. I failed like every single test since Nick died. I couldn't focus at all. Then again, I never could.

It had been one week since I got the letter from Annie's cousin, Jacob. I finally got to the dicision to send him a letter back. Just to thank him. I mean, the letter didn't do much for me, but he still tried to make me feel better. And as strange as it was... I kind of felt like I knew him too. It was actually starting to freak me out.

I realized something though. If I moved to Forks, and went to visit Annie on reservation, there was no doubt that if Jacob and Annie were cousins and next door neighbors, I would probably meet him... AWKWARD! I mean what would be the first thing I would say to him? "Hey! I'm sorry to hear about your Mom." and he would say, "Hey I'm sorry too. Like, about your brother."... Weird! Well, I had three more weeks until I moved so that should have been enough time to think of what I would say. :P

I started my letter to Jacob:

Dear Jacob,

It's Jazz. You replied to my letter, meant for your cousin. I just wanted to thank you. You were right, I did need someone to talk to and it was nice of you to reach out to me. Even though I'm like a total stranger! And I really am sorry about your Mom. I now it happened awhile ago, but I'm sure it still hurts. I know I'll never be able to let Nick go. Well, not all of him. I know that he will always be with me where ever I go. And when I do something, he'll still be there to guide me, and so is your Mom. I'm sure you didn't totally let her go, but I know that a mother would never leave her child. Never think she is completely gone. She will always be with you. It took me a long time to realize this, especially with Nick. But I know that he'll always be by my side just as he was in the past, and just as he will be for the rest of my life.

I'm slowly getting used to the idea of moving to Forks. He would want this for me. He would want me to start a fresh new life. I realized that the longer I stay in Toronto, the more it hurts. It's not Toronto that hurts me, it's the tragic memories I have waiting for me at each corner.

You were right when you said he is in a better place now. Because it's true. He is. Nick is in less pain now. It kills me now that he is gone. But it killed me watching him live his life in pain. He was dying with the Spanish Influenza. One morning, I had a tray in my hand (this was a few months ago) and I came into Nick's bedroom to give him his breakfast and I saw him cry. He cried because he was in so much pain. I dropped onto the floor, along with the tray, and the next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. My heart was pounding so fast, I can still remember.

But, I don't want to bore you with my pain. You have your own to worry about. Sorry. I just wanted to say thank you. I apprecciate that you tried to make me feel better (I know I kind of already said that...).

-Jazz