Tell him that the only way to win her heart back is to dress up like a clown and sing the Canadian National Anthem, like her new boyfriend. Invite the WHOLE WORLD to come and watch! You will make a fortune on popcorn!
After the clown incident tell him that Esme left him for a hooker. A female hooker.
Tell him that Edward thinks he’s hot.
Send him some frilly pink lingerie. Tell him it’s from Aro.
Ask him to go streaking with you.
Tell him that Esme likes ‘gangsta girls’.
When he’s working at the hospital burst in with a crucifix and a wooden stake and scream “THE VAMPIRE SHALL EAT US ALL!!”. Point to him and run. Do this randomly over the course of a few weeks.
Ask him if he needs a blood transfusion.
Make him watch Telli-Tubbies for hours on end. Tell the whole world he actually likes it. Then redecorate his room with the Telli-Tubbies expansion pack. Refuse to change it back until he changes you or wears his clown outfit to work for a week.