Send Alice gushy love notes from Mike, and make him read them all. Pay Mike to hit on Alice while she is with Jasper.
Get Alice and the rest of the Cullens to go someplace for the day. Don’t tell Jasper where Alice and Edward are. When he asks about them get all teary and say that they eloped and you are terrible sorry for him. Make sure you are long gone by the time the Cullens get back.
Take him to the studio audience of Dr. Phil. When it’s over offer to consul him because the show has convinced you that he is emotionally unstable. Lecture him for countless hours about how he can improve this. Don’t hesitate to continue in front of the Cullens or anyone else he knows. Bring soda to go with your popcorn.
Lock him in a room with a girl who is PMS and has emotional problems. Watch the fun from a safe distance.
Set him up with Jane. Video tape her flirting with him and send it to Alice. Tell Alice he went on the date willingly. DUN DUN DUN DUN!!
Follow him around singing “Girlfriend”. Get Mike and Jessica to help you.
Let him loose on fan girls!
Tell Alice that all of his clothes got burnt mysteriously and he now needs a new wardrobe. When she has him try on a bunch of clothes at the mall, laugh at him. Bring popcorn and soda.
Buy him a hideous pink sweater. Force him to wear it on a date with Alice.
Call him the walking chill pill