The Twilight Saga

What if it never happened - Chapter 22 - Hiding is not forgetting

I woke up monday morning thinking nothing in particular. I hadn't heard from Seth since the friday dinner. It hurt but i pushed through. I went to work. I smiled played nice. Esme came over saturday afternoon. We started on the back out the house. She never mentioned friday night. I spent Saturday night studying for my geomtry test. Sunday i started studding a jean jacket. I never checked my phone. I kept it off. Now i was standing in front of the mirror doing my makeup to go to school. Where i couldnt't avoid Seth. I looked at myself. I looked like me. But i felt like i was looking at myself from someone else's body. I looked down at myself. I had on a printed nude dress. With a light pink dress. I slid on my floral combat boots that Renesmee got me. I grabbed my jewlery putting it on quickly. I combed my hair back one more time. It was straight and sleek. My makeup was just shimmery golds with a light pink lip. I grabbed my yellow trench coat sliding it on quickly. I grabbed my phone and books. I grabbed my little purse putting my phone in it. I wrapped it around me. I turned everything off and locked the house up. The air was brisk against me. I didnt know if Seth was picking me up this morning. I honestly didnt care. I got to the school. It was early. The nice desk lady let me come in and sit in the lobby. I looked over my notes for Social studies. Soon the school was filled with kids. I walked to my locker. Putting my books in and taking some out. I took off my trench coat putting it in my locker with the rest of my stuff. "Goodmorning." Seth's voice says behind me. My heart skips a beat. "Goodmorning." I say not turning towards him. "We came by your house this morning to pick you up." Seth said his voice shaky with anger. I turned around see no other than Kalina standing next to Seth. "Why did you walk you know every morning i come and get you." Seth said he was shaking. "Seth i'm sorry okay." I said my voice quiet. "Excuse me i have to get to class." I say looking at Seth. He shakes his head but moves aside so i can get through. I feel a warm hand stop me. I turn expecting Seth but am surprised by Nahuel. "Goodmorning , Janaila." He says his accent thick. "Goodmorning , Nahuel." I say with a small smile. I realize this is the first time i've smiled since friday. I erase the smile quickly. My hand is hot and i see it's still in Nahuel's i move my hand quickly. I look at Nahuel's face a trace of pain is there and gone an in instant. I smile. "So you go to school here now ?" I say trying to break the tension. "Yes , i thought maybe i would try to be a normal teenager for once." Nahuel said with a wide smile. "So this is your first time ever coming to school ?" I say a little bit in shock . "School like this yes but i have learned over my years Janaila." Nahuel says looking me straight in the eye. "Can i see your schedule ?" I say looking down at the paper he's holding giving me a reason to look away from his eyes. He hands me the paper. "We have 1st , 3rd and 4th together and the same lunch." I say handing Nahuel the paper back. "So you will show me around ?" Nahuel says his voice has a hopeful tinge to it. "Of course." "1st period is Social studies you'll go this way." I say starting to walk forward. I tell Nahuel little stuff about me and school. He tells me about his tribe and family.

 

Before i know it it's time for lunch. Which used to be one of my favorite times of the day but now i have an anxiety. I feel a warm hand on my back. I turn and see Nahuel smiling at me. "Did you get around okay ?" I said leading him into the careteria. "Yes , your directions were very helpful Janaila." Nahuel says to me with a shy smile. "Your welcome that's what friends are for." I say. "Come on let's eat i'm hungry." I say getting in line. People stare at Nahuel but he isn't brothered by it. "Hey Janaila." A soft voice comes from behind me. "Hi Ness." I say with a huge smile. Jacob is behind her. He gives me a small smile that doesn't reach his eyes. We all get our food. Seth and Kalina are already seated when we get to the table. Me and Nahuel start having a conversation about the depression and how we would have dealt with it. Renesmee chimed in telling us story's that Alice told her since Alice lived around that time. It was strange but exciting to hear about someone that lived back then and still lives today to tell you about. Not to just read about it. I felt a longing i had never felt before. Like after i die this people are still going to be alive. It made me want to be like them. To be able to tell stories about my life and be able to create new ones. I knew it was a dream but i still wanted it. "Hey , are you alright ?" Nahuel said touching my hand lightly. I looked at him. "Yes , i was just thinking about something." I said looking down at my food. "Can you turn someone into a vampire ?" I said in a whisper to Nahuel. I knew Ness , Jake and Seth could hear me but i'm pretty sure Kalina couldn't and i didnt want to risk her hearing because i don't know how much Seth told her. "Yes." Nahuel said his face showing all his confusion at my question. "I can't though." Renesmee said asking my unspoken question. "Why ?" I said. "I don't have any venom Janaila." Renesmee said confusion in her face now. "Why ?" She says looking straight at me. "Just was wondering." I say looking away from her. "I'm having a party at my house this saturday your all invited." Renesmee said her enthusiam back. We all smile at her. Lunch is over. Which im grateful for. But before i can get to Health Seth stops me. "I'm coming over tonight." Seth says to me quickly before walking away. I walk to health. I can just imagine how the conversation is going to be. Nahuel walks in and sits next to me. "So you and Seth are together ?" Nahuel's accent clear as day. "Yes." I say quietly. "You love him ?" Nahuel says. I look him in the eyes. "More than myself." I say seriously. "He love you ?" Nahuel says. "Very much." I say. Nahuel nodds. "He first love right ?" Nahuel says. "Yes." I say slightly uncomftable now. "You his first love ?" Nahuel ask me looking me straight in the eyes. My heart tugged my eyes burned. "I don't know." I say my voice barely there. "No not his first love she is." Nahuel say's pointing to Kalina who is sitting two rows ahead of us. My heart explodes into flames. Nahuel looks at me. His eyes reflecting sorrow. "But he loves you too." Nahuel says looking me straight in the eyes. "I know." I say. Class begins.

 

School ends. I walk home again. I change out of my clothes into a white t-shirt and some pj pants. I lay down in my bed letting myself fall to sleep. I hear a banging on the door. I run downstairs opening the door for Seth. He looks at me his eyes are soft. "Come in." I say sleep still heavy in my tone. Seth sits down on the couch i sit in the love seat. We sit in silence. My mind is replaying my conversation with Nahuel. "You've smiled 19 times with him and 0 with me in the past 4 days." Seth says breaking the silence. I don't know what he wants me to say so i don't say anything. "Throughout the whole dinner he stared at you hung on every word you spoke." Seth says to me. His tone is tired. He sounds aged beyond his years. "The day you walked to the Cullen's we were both in the woods following you to make sure you were safe." "Kalina thinks you hate her Janaila." Seth says the tiredness in his voice morphing into anger. "I've accepted every ascept of your life." Seth says his eyes piercing mine. I see the protectiveness in them but there's something more. "I've loved you through everything." "Through all the breakdowns , bipolar episodes your father coming back into your life. Taking your mother to a mental hospital." "I've loved you through everything." "And you can't accept my bestfriend ?" Seth says his voice rising and breaking with anger. Everything he spoke was true. It hurt because it was honest. Seth knew what he was doing. He was slicing me up to put me back together. She knew what she was doing. Seth was right i hated Kalina. I hated her for unleashing a monster in me. I hated her for loving Seth. For Seth being able to embrace her love. So yes i hated her. I hated Nahuel for coming and making me actually consider a different path in life. I hated him for speaking what was running through my mind. I hated him for actually helping me feel something that Seth was creating. I looked at Seth. He looked back at me. Our love was something i had never experinced or witnessed before. It was something that couldn't be broken but couldn't be tamed. It grew and grew into something ugly and untouchable. Now it's staring us right in the face. This all happened because i realized i wasn't the only one that Seth loved like me. I wasn't the first person to feel his lips. I wasn't the first person he called beautiful. I wasn't the first person Seth touched. I was second. Would always be second. My tore and was set a flame. I hated myself. I hated myself for feeling this way. For not being able to accept it.

 

"I'm leaving Seth." I say quietly. Seth looks at me. "Where are you going ?" Seth says anger still in his tone. "I'm going home Seth." I said my tone quiet. "No , your running Janaila." Seth says his voice now interlaced with pain. "Maybe i'm running to something better for the both of us." I say looking Seth straight in the eyes. I can see the pain and anger swirling inside of him but i can also see the small seed of a different path planting itself in Seth's mind. My heart is engulfed right now. My skin pricks with pain. "Janaila , i love you please stay." Seth is on his knee's in front of me. "I love you too but we need this." I say bending down so were on our knee's together. I place my hand on his heart. He places his hand on my heart. We feel the beats but Seth's beat is to slow. Mine is to fast. We pull our hands away. Tears matching tears. We put our foreheads together listening to each other ragged breathes. "I hate you Janaila." Seth says his voice pained but i hear the lie behind his words. "I love you too Seth." I say pressing my lips lightly to his. Niether one of us deepens the kiss but it's unlike any kiss i've ever felt before. It's feels like it wrapping itself around my heart and squeezing it leaving me breatheless. We pull away. Eyes still closed not being able to look at each other. I slowly open my eyes looking at Seth. I need this to be etched into my consious. I need to remember for my entire being that i broke this beautiful man. That i dimmed his light. That i created a monster. I felt it begin. I felt the walls build themselves around my heart. Seth must have felt it too because he opened his eyes looking at me like i was a new person he had never met before. He stood not looking back and walked out of the door.

 

An - Song i wrote too - New moon Score <3

Thank you for reading. Please comment. I do not own Twilight . I only own the plot and Janaila.

 

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